I threw away my journals last year. All of them. From the little girl diaries with locks and keys to the ferociously-filled marble notebooks of my college years. Mine was a many-volumed collection of angst and, in a moment of psychological cleansing and studio space-making, I decided I had been hauling around the emotional and physical baggage of those books for too long.
I nearly lost my resolve the next day when I came home to find the steps in front of my building littered with ripped out pages from the cloth-covered journals I favored in high school, the ones I filled all the way through on thick one-sided pages then flipped over and filled one-sided the other way. My stomach churned.
I’d like to think it was a bum who opened the trash can and, angry that my adolescence could not be redeemed for nickels, tore the pages from the journals and threw them on the ground before stomping away. I’d also like to think he or she did all of this without pausing to make out words from the scribbling and that none of my creepy neighbors had the foresight to pick up the pieces and invade my fifteen-year-old self by skimming a few lines.
It’s a romantic concept, garbology, to examine a culture by looking at what it throws away. Someone reading closely that night on West 104th Street would have learned an enormous amount about the relationship, over time, between a young woman and her cloth-covered books.